You don’t have a problem saying sorry; you have a problem staying sorry.
Step Ten, promptly admitting a wrong, is taken by many in the rooms as a requirement to make an immediate apology. We hear people in the rooms sharing their stories of how they gossiped, treated someone badly, or otherwise committed a harm and the apologies that followed soon after.
When Apologies Lose Their Meaning
But one fellow added something to the mix when he said, “I became angry with my wife this afternoon. I left the kitchen in a huff and went to the garage. After banging around my workbench for an hour, I finally cooled off and went back into the house and said to her, ‘I am sorry I lost my temper.’ Her reply was hard to take, but I had to admit there was a lot of truth in it.”
She said, “You never have a problem saying sorry, but you have a problem staying sorry. Your apologies will be much more credible if you don’t repeat the same patterns over and over. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t give you the right to blow your top. But this is your pattern. And saying you are sorry is good — don’t get me wrong. I accept your apology, as I have accepted all your other apologies for the same behaviours.”
Recognizing Patterns of Anger and Resentment
“Wow, that felt like a two-by-four right up the side of my head. And, after a chat with my sponsor, I realized she was right. I had a pattern of angry responses to her and others. If someone disagreed with me, I would lose my cool. Sometimes it was a temper tantrum, sometimes I’d get all huffy, and sometimes I’d just pout. I hoped he would criticize my wife. But he had observed the same pattern as my wife and thought I should be grateful to her for pointing this out.”
Step Ten as a Path to Deeper Recovery
Once again, I learned that repetitive Step Ten admissions were a sign that I was powerless over the character defect causing the offence. And usually, at the same time, I could see that my life was less manageable. This then triggered the application of the Steps to that problem.
“With this understanding, I could address the problem and ask God to help me identify and remove the exact nature of this defect, manifested in this pattern of behaviour. It was only by going deep into the problem and my character that I could learn to ‘stay sorry,’ which avoided having to ‘say sorry.’”
Books to Support Your Twelve Step Journey
If you’re looking to explore Step work, spiritual awakening, and personal transformation more deeply, check out The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts. These books offer insights, reflections, and real-life recovery experience that complement the journey through the Twelve Steps.
The books in The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts can be purchased through my estore or the major online book retailers. Look for GEMS, More GEMS, and Still More GEMS.
Frequently Asked Questions About Step Ten, Defects, and Amends
What is Step Ten in AA?
Step Ten is: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” It encourages ongoing self-awareness and accountability, helping us avoid slipping back into old destructive patterns.
Is Step Ten just about saying sorry?
No. While promptly admitting wrongs often includes apologizing, Step Ten is about recognizing ongoing patterns of behavior and taking action to change them. Without change, repeated apologies lose their meaning.
What are “character defects” in recovery?
Character defects are ingrained attitudes, behaviors, or reactions that harm us or others, such as anger, pride, resentment, or dishonesty. Step Ten helps identify when these defects are driving our actions.
How do I know if I have a recurring defect?
If you notice yourself apologizing for the same behavior over and over, that’s a sign of an underlying defect. Recognizing patterns is the first step toward addressing the root cause, not just the symptoms.
What is the difference between making amends and saying sorry?
An apology is verbal, but making amends means taking real steps to change your behavior and repair the harm caused. Amends demonstrate growth and help rebuild trust over time.
How does Step Ten connect with other steps?
Step Ten often leads back to Step Four (inventory), Step Six (willingness to remove defects), and Step Seven (asking God to remove them). It keeps the recovery process active and ongoing, rather than a one-time event.
Why is “staying sorry” more important than “saying sorry”?
Because recovery is about transformation, not repetition. “Staying sorry” means working on your character so you don’t repeat the same harms. It builds credibility and strengthens relationships