Fighting the Right Battles: Lessons from a Real Fighter

I call myself a fighter, and I fight with thoughts and words in boardrooms and offices. Some of the guys in the AA rooms are real fighters, using both fists and feet in streets and alleys.

At a recent meeting, a fellow—a real fighter—made an important observation that applies to all fights and all fighters. He said:

“The fight cannot exist if I don’t start.”

That rule would apply in the Fight Club and in our drinking, which was his point. The fight cannot exist if he does not get in the ring, for both drinking and fighting.

Recognizing the Invisible Fight: Triggers and Reactions

This adage also works in offices and boardrooms, lunch rooms, and AA business meetings. The fight cannot exist if we don’t start.

However, for me, that advice was not helpful. Often, I didn’t see the fight coming, and I started without thinking.

My temper was like a lightning strike; it seemed to come from nowhere. With booze, I always seemed to find a drink in my hand. And sex urges—I still don’t know where they come from—but they always surprise me.

So, the admonition “don’t start” was often useless. I was triggered, and before I knew it, I started, and there was a fight.

The Power of Awareness: Inventories, Amends, and Change

This is where inventories and amends come into play.

Making amends brought the problem to my awareness. Many of the early amends were made long after the incidents, but over time, with practice, the time between the incident and the amend became shorter—from weeks to days to hours—and finally, in the moment.

In the moment, I could occasionally feel the surge and stop mid-sentence.

Then the magic happened. The surges no longer came. Even when triggered. From weeks, to days, to hours, then before the moment came.

I had, with practice and time, plumbed the exact nature of the defects and pulled the power plug.

Books to Support Your Twelve Step Journey

If you’re looking to explore Step work, spiritual awakening, and personal transformation more deeply, check out The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts. These books offer insights, reflections, and real-life recovery experience that complement the journey through the Twelve Steps.

The books in The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts can be purchased through my estore or the major online book retailers. Look for GEMS, More GEMS, and Still More GEMS.

FAQs

Q1: What does “The fight cannot exist if I don’t start” mean?
A1: It means peace begins with personal responsibility. If we choose not to engage, conflict cannot exist.

Q2: How does this idea relate to addiction recovery?
A2: Recovery teaches awareness and restraint—the same skills that prevent us from starting internal or external battles.

Q3: How can making amends help reduce triggers?
A3: Amends create awareness, helping you notice triggers sooner and respond thoughtfully instead of reactively.

Q4: Can this mindset help outside of addiction recovery?
A4: Absolutely. It applies to work conflicts, relationships, and any situation where emotions flare up.

Q5: What’s the key takeaway from this story?
A5: Awareness and practice can transform reaction into reflection—and end the fight before it begins.

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