I was promised, “If you stop drinking, you will feel better.”
The promise was fulfilled in spades. I stopped drinking, and I felt everything better.
But that was not good news. Without the filter of booze, my drug of choice, I felt everything: Anger, boredom, anxiety and fear were presented to my consciousness unfiltered and unblocked. And the feelings of shame, guilt and remorse, I felt them full on.
The heightened awareness of these bad feelings should have been balanced with the heightened awareness of good feelings. Oddly, the feelings of success and victory did not balance the feelings of failure and shame. With the new and improved feelings coming through loud and clear, I realized I had never valued success, victory, happiness, or achievement. I accepted these as my right. And what should have been happy moments were diluted by a sense of “Is that all there is?”
So, life’s failures and anxiety were felt more keenly, and life’s victories were presented as ‘whatever.’
The promise that I would ‘feel better’ was not good news; it was painful.
But this betterment of feelings had a hidden benefit. Feeling things better, I began to connect the emotional dots with character dots. I could see how my emotions resulted from my character; that character was a cause, and emotions were an effect.
It took a long time to connect the dots of my drinking to the dots of my problems; eventually, after thousands of experiments and observations, I had more evidence than could be denied: my problems were connected to my drinking. With that insight, I came to AA and began working on my drinking problem.
Feeling my feelings better gave me more evidence and clearer proof of the problems and the causes. Unfiltered, I could see the problems and connect the dots with my feelings. They were no longer a puzzle; I had a map to freedom.
I began to connect the emotions of fear, anxiety and shame to my self-pity, self-absorption and self-obsession. And to connect the problems of my failure to enjoy success to my sense of entitlement. These character flaws of selfishness and self-centred thinking, blended with a deep sense of entitlement, were the roots of my emotional problems.
I adopted attitudes that did not include entitlement and ego satisfaction as rights of mine. This resulted in a wholesale overhaul of my feelings and my reactions to those feelings. Moments of serenity and peace became more frequent. I was no longer demanding from life that which life could not provide.
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From Frank Amos and his report to John Rockefeller in 1938
Forgiveness: A Spiritual Virtue and Practical Tool
Wonderful insight! Deeply, delicately & intuitively listening to the blinding noise of character defects and well armed with the tools of AA, these mental merry-go-rounds can finally come to an end. The alcoholic mind continues its damaged journey all by itself, unless spiritual and sound minded tools are applied. This blog post describes my twisted mind to a tee! Thank you for the healing words.
Thanks Vince, keep on drawing.
(For me)
The best read in a while 🙂
Thank You Sir 😎
Great to hear from you Kenny.
Great insight into feelings and connections, Andy. I hope you are healthy and doing well.
Thanks John, we are doing very well.
Andy, you are one of the most self-reflective people I know. Thank you for this.
Maybe one of the most self-absorbed as well. LOL