When Step Work Reveals Hidden Patterns

Some AA meeting shares are breathtakingly frank and insightful. This one — from a young woman — is a record‑setter.

“When I was a young girl, my father abused me. I did nothing to invite his inappropriate attention. I thought I had no part in what he did; I was completely the victim. With this justification, I wholeheartedly loathed him.

Doing Step 4, an apparently unrelated hidden pattern emerged: I did not like or love my boyfriend. I had a distorted view of sexual intimacy, and this was affecting our whole relationship. Moreover, I saw the same patterns with previous boyfriends.

I immediately blamed my father. But after my Fifth Step, I realized that it was not my father I loathed, it was me.

In my Step 5, I saw my part: I was carrying an ancient grudge, and it was poisoning all my relationships, particularly with my boyfriend. Among many other things, our sex life was problematic. I was a jerk.

I did Step 8 and wrote my dad’s name down; then, I arranged to meet him at a restaurant where I did a Step 9 amend. I told him I forgave him.

He heard me, got up and walked out. And I had to pay for the coffee.

He was still a jerk, but I had changed. I did not see it right away, but I was no longer behaving like a jerk. My attitudes to intimacy changed, but that was just part of the story. In many other areas of life, with my boyfriend and others, I was no longer behaving like a jerk.

The Program does not promise to change the world; It promises to change me.”

The greatest truths are the simplest. Complex, but simple.

The Program does not promise to change the world; It promises to change me.

Key Takeaways

• Honest Step work uncovers hidden patterns — issues that seem unrelated (like intimacy problems) can be connected to childhood trauma.
• Victimhood and blame can hide self‑loathing — recognizing your part doesn’t mean accepting guilt for what happened to you; it means seeing how you responded and what to change.
• Amends don’t guarantee others will change — making an amend is for you; release, not control, is the goal.
• Recovery is personal transformation — the Program promises change in you, not the world.

Practical Actions & Reflection Prompts

• Step prompts to try:
  • Step 4: List resentments and look for repeating themes.
  • Step 5: Share with a trusted sponsor or therapist what you find.
  • Step 8–9: Consider safe, planned amends where appropriate.
• Journal questions:
  • What repeated patterns do I see across relationships?
  • Where might I be carrying a grudge that shapes my behavior?
  • What would a humble amend look like for me?
• Boundaries & safety reminder: If the abuser is a current threat or contact, prioritize safety and seek professional/legal support before any direct contact.

Books to Support Your Twelve Step Journey

If you’re looking to explore Step work, spiritual awakening, and personal transformation more deeply, check out The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts. These books offer insights, reflections, and real-life recovery experience that complement the journey through the Twelve Steps.

The books in The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts can be purchased through my estore or the major online book retailers. Look for GEMS, More GEMS, Still More GEMS, and More GEMS Revealed.

FAQ

Q: Is Step work safe for survivors of abuse?
A: Step work can be very helpful but should be done with appropriate supports — a sponsor, therapist, or trusted mentor — especially when trauma is involved. Prioritize safety and professional guidance.

Q: Does making an amend mean the other person will change?
A: No. An amend is about taking responsibility for your part and seeking to repair harm where possible. You cannot control how someone else responds.

Q: What if seeing my part feels like blaming myself for the abuse?
A: Seeing your part means examining your current responses and behaviors, not accepting blame for being abused. If this feels confusing, work with a trauma-informed therapist or experienced sponsor.

Q: Should I contact an abuser to make amends?
A: Only if it’s safe. If there’s any risk, choose alternate amends (letters you don’t send, offering restitution where possible, or amends to others harmed). Safety first.

Q: How do I know if my intimacy problems are tied to past trauma?
A: Repeating patterns, avoidance, hypervigilance, or emotional disconnect in relationships can signal trauma connections. A counselor or therapist can help explore this safely.

Q: Where can I find recovery books for survivors who are also in addiction recovery?
A: Look for books combining addiction recovery with trauma-informed care; your local recovery bookstore, sponsor, or therapist can recommend titles.

Q: What if I make an amend and the person refuses to accept it?
A: An amend is primarily for your growth. If the other person refuses, your responsibility remains doing the right thing and letting go of expectations.

Q: Can Step work improve relationships outside of romantic partners?
A: Yes. Honest inventory often changes how you relate to family, friends, coworkers, and yourself.

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