Character Defects and the Feelings I Tried to Escape
Many of my defects can be traced to events that are “long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.”
In that galaxy, something came up that irritated, offended, or otherwise bothered me; it left me feeling bad. To escape that bad feeling, I avoided, replaced, projected, or stuffed it. I created my own emotional black hole.
The solutions varied. Sometimes I lost my temper, turned to judgment, or acted out sexually. Or I might have gone shopping, had a drink, or used another escape. I had many ways to avoid dealing with the bad feeling.
However, none of the solutions solved the problem, per se; they merely masked my emotional reaction.
How Repeated Escapes Became Habits in My Recovery Story
Whenever the same problem arose, as it inevitably did, I automatically used the solution I’d used last time, and it worked again. With each repetition, the habit deepened. My unconscious mind watched for the same emotional pain, and I applied the same masking solution again.
However, I remind you, the solution did not solve the problem; it only covered it up.
Later, larger problems almost always arose from applying the solution.
Once in a while, I might connect the problems that arose because of the solution. But usually, because I applied the solution unconsciously and because of the time gap between cause and effect, I didn’t connect the dots to see that the momentary solution was causing long-term problems.
So the character defect seemed to me to be permanent; something I was born with or had inherited.
Recognizing Character Defects and My Need for God’s Help
Therefore, I lost any chance to correct the original solution. The habit, deeply ingrained, became part of my character, a character defect.
The solution’s efficacy, combined with my failure to connect it to the problems it addressed, made removing this character defect difficult.
So difficult that I needed God’s help.
Books to Support Your Twelve Step Journey
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FAQ
How does this AA recovery reflection describe character defects?
The author describes many of his character defects as responses to old emotional pain. Repeated escapes became habits that eventually felt like permanent parts of his character.
Why did the author’s old solutions seem to work?
They masked an uncomfortable emotional reaction and brought immediate relief. In his account, that relief did not resolve the original problem.
Why was it difficult to connect the habits with their consequences?
The author says he often used the response automatically, while its consequences appeared much later. That delay made it harder to connect short-term relief with long-term problems.
What does the emotional black hole represent in this recovery reflection?
It is the author’s image for avoiding, replacing, projecting, or stuffing a painful feeling instead of dealing with it. He describes returning to similar escapes when the discomfort arose again.
Why does the author say he needed God’s help with character defects?
The habits were deeply ingrained, and their immediate usefulness made them difficult to question or release. Recognizing that difficulty led the author to acknowledge his need for God’s help.