In making amends, we are told to clean up our side of the street, which usually refers to admitting only our wrongs and the harm we created. This is sound. We are making restitution for the harm we have caused.
And harm always occurs in relationships, and all harms in all relationships fall into one of two categories.
In the first category, they harmed me more than I harmed them. In the second category, I harmed them more than they harmed me.
Either way, following the rule of cleaning up my side of the street, I must correct the harm I caused; it is my restitution, not theirs. My focus is exclusively on my role and the harm I caused in the relationship. But in my experience, there is more.
Cleaning up my side of the street is not just focusing on the restitution I make for the harm I have done; cleaning up includes sweeping away bad feelings toward the other person. These resentments are tripping hazards in the relationship. If I am holding on to resentments, there is litter and debris on my side of the street, and I risk stumbling while making restitution. These tripping hazards should be removed before I attempt restitution, and they can only be removed by forgiving.
For the first category, when I have been harmed more than I harmed, and I forgive the greater harm done to me, remove the resentment debris on my side of the street. I can see the street more clearly, and with clarity comes peace. Without the litter of resentment on my side of the street, I can see my harm and discern what I must do to make it right.
In the second category, it may seem counter-intuitive, but to forgive a lesser harm done to me clears the way for an amend. If I don’t forgive first, I may trip over a sense that I am the victim and owed something. And that tripping hazard is clearly on my side of the street.
In both categories, if I have forgiven, my side of the street is free of debris, and the chances of stumbling while making restitution are reduced. In both categories, when I forgive, the communication channels are open and clear of noise and distortion, allowing me to convey and receive all the signals of word and body and discern the truth of the situation.
Forgiving is always good, and forgiving first is best, regardless of the relative level of harm caused.
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Wise words, and so true. Forgiveness is a cerebral acknowledgment of wrong perpetrated by another and is perhaps the most powerful action one can initiate to remove a resentment to another person. It will result in a psychic massage for my soul.
I agree completely; the power of forgiveness should be the subject of many more meetings.
Thanks Harland