The young couple, only months into their marriage, had words. The husband, thinking, “my wife is unmanageable,” called his sponsor in the Program. His sponsor had been happily married for many years. They met for coffee, and after a brief preamble, the young husband asked, “you and Marg seem to be very happy. If I am not prying, could you share any tips on managing my wife, pointers to success in a relationship?”
His sponsor laughed, “I might have some thoughts, but you should be asking George. He would have some great insights.”
Surprised, the young man responded, “Why would you point me towards George? He has gone through 4 wives. I heard him joke that he was not going to get married again; instead, every few years, he was going to find a woman who loathed him and buy her a house. He has a great sense of humour, but relationship advice, maybe not so much?”
His mentor, with a twinkle in his eye, said, “George has experience, and I admit that it may be bad experience, but I always seem to pay more attention to lessons of failure than lessons of success. It seems easier to learn what not to do. Or at least I pay more attention to it. And the failure does not have to be yours; it can be his. The lessons are still there.”
I was reminded of this while talking with an AA brother. We were talking about the shares at our meeting the night before. Some of the shares were good Program shares, but one was from a fellow just coming back to sobriety. He had been sober and going to meetings for a while, but started drinking again. As he said, “to conduct another experiment to prove that I was an alcoholic.” In short order, he had lost his job, car and wife and was suffering remorse, pain, and self-pity.
My AA friend observed, “I hate to admit it, but I almost look forward to going to meetings and hearing from someone who is coming back from a slip. I see the wreckage and pain, and I am reminded again of the horrific consequences of drinking. I benefit from those stories; maybe more from stories of failures and slips than the stories of success and sobriety.”
He continued, “I am beginning to understand the expression ‘a lot of guys have paid an awful price for my sobriety.’”
What a profound truth. We share our strength and hope, but we learn from the failures and slips.
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