Impression management is a difficult job involving unceasing labour.
Without any independent self-esteem, I am dependent on what others think of me. Every waking hour, I manage what you think about me. At times, my entire being, all my mental, spiritual and emotional energies are focused with laser-like intensity on one thing — making sure that my image is right.
For example, when I first meet you, we will shake hands in greeting. You tell me your name and I tell you mine. I will not remember your name. I am so focused on the impression that I am projecting to you. I cannot hear and retain your name.
I need to know that you are suitably impressed with me before I have any interest in your name. Then it is too late. I have to ask you again, blaming my poor memory. But I should blame my ego.
My worry about what you think about me is a powerful example of my complete self-absorption; self-absorption made more powerful and effective because it is unconscious.
What is the root of this strange approach to life?
When I ponder this state of deep self-absorption, I realize that I have no independent self-esteem. My self-esteem has to come from outside, from you. It is dependent self-esteem.
Me, as I understand me, is not a good picture. I unconsciously know how shallow and defective I am; I know how loathsome I am. I must convince you that I am good, better than I sense that I am. The more I project an image of success with this backdrop of unconscious self-loathing, the greater the fear that I will be found out.
The Steps lead me to spiritual awakenings, and with each awakening, I improve my view of myself, I realize that I am a child of God or the universe. One of the consequences of doing the Steps is independent self-esteem.
And I can even remember your name.
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This is so painfully accurate.
The question that is often followed after we forget their name is, how can this person serve my master plan and what can I get from them. LOL