Pause Mechanisms That Save Recovery Progress
Two great pause mechanisms: are you sure? And you might be right.
We all understand the importance of pausing. Bill Wilson, in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, says,
“Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating.
When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relationship with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. They are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.” (The italicized emphasis is mine.)
Cultivating Restraint: Practical Questions & Curiosity
All of this talk about the habit of restraint is good, but for me, nearly impossible. One trick that makes it easier is to ask a question to develop curiosity. Internal questions like:
- Am I sure of my point?
- Why would they say that?
- You know, they might be right. (internal affirmation)
Even when I feel that someone is wasting my time, I can think to myself:
- Does God want me to be listening to this?
- Why is he talking about this?
These short, internal prompts function as a mental pause — a micro-habit that halts reaction and invites reflection.
Restraining Pen, Keyboard & ‘Send’: Practical Habits
And Bill wrote about the restraint of pen and tongue. I would add ‘keyboard’ to the implements to be restrained — maybe not the whole keyboard, but the ‘send’ key for sure. And for this I can ask:
- Does this need to go now?
To habituate restraint was and is something that better men than I have tried and failed. But to habitually turn to curiosity, that has worked for me. Questions — ask questions. That is a habit that I can inculcate.
Quick Scannable Tips
- Pause before responding: count to 3 or take a breath.
- Ask one clarifying question before you react.
- Replace impulsive replies with a curiosity prompt (e.g., Why would they say that?).
- Delay hitting ‘send’ for 10–15 minutes when emotionally charged.
- Practice the phrase: You might be right. Use it to lower defensive reflexes.
Books to Support Your Twelve Step Journey
If you’re looking to explore Step work, spiritual awakening, and personal transformation more deeply, check out The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts. These books offer insights, reflections, and real-life recovery experience that complement the journey through the Twelve Steps.
The books in The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts can be purchased through my estore or the major online book retailers. Look for GEMS, More GEMS, and Still More GEMS.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: What are the two pause mechanisms discussed?
A1: The post highlights two simple internal prompts: asking “Are you sure?” (or similar clarifying questions) and using the affirmation “You might be right.” Both slow reactive impulses and invite curiosity.
Q2: How do these pauses help in addiction recovery?
A2: Pausing reduces impulsive verbal or digital reactions that can escalate conflict, damage relationships, and trigger stress — all risks for relapse. Micro-pauses promote thoughtful responses and emotional regulation.
Q3: How long should I delay hitting “send” on an emotional message?
A3: Even a short delay (10–15 minutes) helps you cool down and reassess. For very charged messages, waiting 24 hours can be wise.
Q4: Are these strategies compatible with AA principles?
A4: Yes. Bill Wilson’s emphasis on self-restraint aligns directly with these tools. They’re practical methods to build the habit Wilson recommended.
Q5: How can I practice curiosity if I naturally feel defensive?
A5: Start with scripted prompts: Am I sure? Why would they say that? Could they be right? Rehearse them, use sticky notes, or set a phone reminder until they become instinctive.
Q6: Can these techniques be used in professional settings?
A6: Absolutely. Pause mechanisms improve workplace communication, leadership interactions, and conflict resolution, while reducing escalation.
Q7: Do I need faith language (like “Does God want me to…”) to use these?
A7: No. Faith phrasing is optional. The core idea is to substitute curiosity and reflection for reaction, whether motivated spiritually or secularly.
Q8: Where can I learn more or get supporting reading?
A8: The post links to Bill Wilson’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and recommends recovery-focused books and practical guides. (Consider browsing The4thDimension.ca for curated titles.)
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