“I was working with a young man who had some sober time in the Program, then relapsed. He was coming back, and we met for coffee.
Over coffee, he almost seemed proud of his shame. He went on and on, saying, “I’m such a prick, I’m so stupid, I gave it all up, I drank again, and now I have criminal charges and lost all my sober time.” As I say, he went on and on with the same spiel.
Separating Identity from Relapse Behavior
Finally, I interrupted him and said, “I have to push back a bit; you’re making yourself the center of the problem. You’re claiming that you are a prick. No, you drank, and drinking made you prickish. You claim that you are stupid. No, you weren’t stupid; you were undisciplined and complacent. You lost track of your program. Yes, you did drink again, but that’s what alcoholics do when they don’t pay attention.
The Genius of Step 1: Simplicity and Truth
“Let’s go back to Step 1. There are only two truths that you must agree to: that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life is unmanageable. You are not asked to admit that you are stupid or a prick, just that you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable.
“That is part of the genius of what Bill wrote. If you agree with Step 1, you will stop making yourself the center of this problem. You will make a simple admission, and based on what happened in this slip, it is an admission of fact, not theory.”
Books to Support Your Twelve Step Journey
If you’re looking to explore Step work, spiritual awakening, and personal transformation more deeply, check out The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts. These books offer insights, reflections, and real-life recovery experience that complement the journey through the Twelve Steps.
The books in The GEMS Series: 12-Step Shares, Notes and Thoughts can be purchased through my estore or the major online book retailers. Look for GEMS, More GEMS, and Still More GEMS.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What does Step 1 of Alcoholics Anonymous mean?
Step 1 states: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” It’s the foundation of recovery, helping people separate their identity from their addiction and begin the process of healing.
Why is Step 1 important after a relapse?
Step 1 reminds us that relapse does not mean failure. It shifts the focus from shame and self-blame to acceptance of the truth: addiction is a disease, and without ongoing attention, alcohol will take control again.
How do I stop feeling shame after relapse?
Shame often comes from identifying with the behavior instead of seeing relapse as part of the disease. Step 1 helps release shame by focusing on powerlessness and unmanageability, rather than labeling yourself as “bad” or “weak.”
Can you start over in AA after relapsing?
Yes. Many people in recovery experience relapse, and the program allows for fresh starts. Step 1 provides a way to begin again, no matter how many times it takes.
What’s the difference between guilt and shame in recovery?
Guilt is about regretting actions, while shame is about feeling flawed as a person. Step 1 helps separate the two, teaching that relapse is behavior linked to alcoholism—not proof that you’re worthless.
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