At a meeting, a lady shared, “Apathy is a defence against fear.”
Apathy worries every old-timer in the Program. A friend said recently, “resentment may have been the number one offender when the Big Book was written, but apathy and complacency may be the number one offender today.”
Why are apathy and complacency so attractive? They must be attractive because we all drift into them so effortlessly. We should be afraid of them, recoiling at the thought of uncaring indifference. Instead, we ease into them like a warm bath.
Apathy should create fear. Instead, apathy is a defence against all types of fear.
I have a fear of success. Apathy is a defence to this fear. How could I be afraid of success? Questions bubble up from my subconscious when I am about to succeed. How can I top this once I have achieved it? Would I be happy with that success, or will I want still more success? What about the responsibilities I inherit if I succeed? Apathy is a great defence to the fears of success.
And when I do succeed, I shrug and say, “so what.” Defending against any responsibility that accompanies success.
I fear failure; indifference is a defence against failure. Both public failure and private failure. I am afraid of public failure. When I see that I am about to fail, I change my mental state; I declare to myself that it does not matter. And apathy is a defence against private failure. When I fail and no one knows but me, I recast the event to declare it meaningless. Apathy reduces the internal sting of defeat.
And apathy is a defence to feelings of inadequacy. I am a poster child for the ‘imposter syndrome.’ Apathy avoids that fear.
Apathy is a defence against work. A disinterested shrug avoids all manner of physical work. And shrugging with sophisticated intellectual disinterest avoids mental work. I do this because I am afraid of work, genuine effort, even when I know that it will yield results.
And apathy is a defence against spiritual work. How many sponsors have had sponsees agree to do inventory work? Then fail to pick up a pen and do the writing. It is work, and an apathetic attitude makes the avoidance of effort easy.
Spiritual maintenance is work and studied indifference is a defence against that work. For example, removing defects takes focus and effort. Instead of growing, I become apathetic and complacent; I drift along. Drift until the discomfort from the defect is sufficient to get me going.
Apathy is a defence against spiritual progress. The outcome of spiritual growth seems uncertain, where will God take me? Fearful of the outcome, I have hesitated to have defects of character removed. I have hesitated to grow spiritually, afraid of where things might go if I succeeded. Apathy allows me to duck all of these issues.
Fear of spiritual outcomes runs parallel to the fear of uncertain outcomes in other areas of life. I see now that apathy is a defence against changes in all life’s domains. Apathy and complacency are a defence to the fear of uncertain outcomes. Certain discomfort outweighs uncertain relief. Coupled with laziness, apathy works to make sure that I don’t change.
The pattern is clear. Apathy is connected to all types of fear: Apathy is associated with fears of failure, success, change and growth, fears in financial, spiritual, material, and reputational matters. On and on goes the list. Apathy is a defence to a hundred forms of fear.
If you smell apathy, you may well find fear.
Andy C says
Andy
This is a first rate post.
A real caution to A.A. long timers.
Lots of room for thought.
Thanks for this
Andy replied “thanks for the compliment. And it is a caution for long term sobers.”