Forgiving is always good, never bad; it is good anytime and anywhere; I cannot imagine a situation where forgiveness would be wrong.
I wonder why we don’t have a forgiveness instinct, an automatic reaction.
Instincts are handy and valuable. If we perceive something that might be a snake, we jump back, just in case. For our ancient ancestors in the savannah, this was a competitive advantage that became embedded in our DNA. It became an instinct.
But not all competitive advantages became instincts; forgiveness is one example.
Our chimpanzee ancestors who forgave would have had advantages over their community competitors—advantages which could have become embedded in our DNA.
Efficiency is the first competitive advantage. When I forgive, I waste less time and energy. I don’t brood over wrongs done, gossip, or become anxious when I see the person. The person and the incident are finished; no more emotional or mental energy is expended. Our chimpanzee ancestors, who forgave frequently, would have had this advantage.
And forgivers possess another competitive advantage. Any chimp ancestor who forgave would have better personal relations, allowing them to form more robust and longer mutual support and protection alliances with other chimps, another competitive survival advantage.
And a forgiving ancestor, whose mind is uncluttered with bad feelings, would have had clarity of thought and perception, giving them yet another advantage in the community.
Forgiving, offering all these advantages to generations of chimpanzees, could have become instinctive. But that is not how things evolved. We don’t have this instinct.
Because we don’t have an instinct for forgiving, we must cultivate a habit of forgiving.
It will take some work because some of our inclinations push against forgiving. We find brooding on offences to be perversely pleasant. And many of the benefits of forgiving are not immediate or rationally connected to forgiving; benefits like living more efficiently, are only observed over time, and only if we are living mindfully. And forgiving seems counter-intuitive; our confusion about forgiving and forgetting leads us to think that we cannot forgive, lest we forget and risk repeating the harm.
But with mindful repetition, we can habituate forgiveness; forgive, see the advantageous results, and repeat. It’s a tool that will not wear out and improves with use.
We are not blessed with a forgiveness gene or instinct, but we can cultivate the habit.
Forgiveness Series
Forgiveness: A Spiritual Virtue and Practical Tool
Forgiveness and Step 8
Have Forgiveness at Your Fingertips
Forgiving and Amplification
Forgiveness is Layered
Forgiveness is a Habit
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Andy, at the risk of your maintaining your humility, I just have to tell you that you, yourself are a gem. I know that, for a long time, fear of being hurt again and ” letting them get away with it” were the reasons I found it hard to forgive. Now, I can just tell myself that hurt people hurt others.