We took a newcomer to our AA meeting out for coffee.
Our new fellow had identified as ‘coming back’ in the meeting, and everyone welcomed him enthusiastically. All the men talked about the courage needed to come back and admit to a slip.
Over coffee, we learned that our new friend was experienced in admitting to a slip. He had been to AA meetings before, and through six different treatment centers, two of them twice. During the past years, he had a couple of six-month intervals of sobriety. But most of his sober episodes were shorter in duration.
He was from a wealthy family, which explained the nice clothes, good car, and the treatment center frequency.
The other guys took the lead in the conversation, one of them joked, “I hope you realize that relapses are optional.”
I was more attentive to our newcomer than usual. If I had not been paying such close attention, I might have missed our pigeon’s reaction to the reference to relapses being optional. His reaction startled me. He was, for an instant, angry; irritation flashed across his face like a bolt of lightning. It was there, then passed. It was so fast that I don’t think he was aware of it. I would have missed it, except I was paying attention.
I was taken aback; it seemed that he was, for a nano-second, angry that someone would say such a thing to him. And the anger, though brief, gripped him completely.
He quickly recovered, laughed, took a sip of his coffee, and said, “of course, relapses are optional.” But the unprotected flash of anger intrigued me. It was fascinating to think that he would be irritated by such a statement of the obvious.
By the way, he rejected our offer of sponsorship, the idea of coming to our group’s Step Study meeting on Saturday, and said he did not need our phone numbers.
I think that for him, another relapse is optional, but probable.
Andy C says
More proof that you can’t do it on your own Andy.
John says
True this!
Andy C says
Hey Andy,
Nice story. I often wonder how to approach new comers. In this story it seems like he was put off by the conversation and the gentle but true assertion offered. Being in the rooms for a while I know that people say a lot of things that can be interpreted as hurtful but hardly are meant that way. I have seen that look in peoples eyes when I try to explain them the program and give them my theories or pithy little phrases. So I stopped. Instead I just tell them to the story of me. They can’t argue or take offense at me sharing my shit right.
I am not always successful in this approach.
The thing is I have been through some shit, but I have seen more than I have been through. And that seeing I think should be helpful to others. But it isn’t.
Anyways, not sure the point of this, except thanks for the story. It reminds me to not be reductionist in my approach to helping people but just talk about myself.
I really appreciate it, Also it was good seeing you during Stampede.
All the best,
Darren
Darren says
Thanks Darren, be well.
Andy C says
Hmmm. I have a hard time telling my new guys who are all fentanyl dudes to go back out and try some controlled drinking.
We are traveling down to ocean shores on Wednesday. When will you go?
PJ says
Good point; I have no experience with drugs like that. But the relapse rate would suggest that the advice might be appropriate in some cases. It sure works, though the engineers might warn about destructive testing.
And lots of vanilla alcoholics take this test and never come back.
But a lot do, including me.
R.M says
Hi Andy,
I enjoyed the story… It reminds me of a couple of guys I have known and then particularly my friend *****. All of the story is exactly like his story except he only went to 4 treatment centres.
He was the one who is always putting AA down. When I asked him why he did that he said “because I knew it would bother you“. He’s now saying that he is avoiding AA. He hasn’t been able to stay sober for more than a few months at a time Even though he had a few years when I first met him. I have basically said “goodbye” to him because he is one of those unfortunate.
Sad