I have to admit to a selfish motive for forgiving.
I stumbled on this years ago following an angry phone call, which was supposed to be an amend. I was going to ask if there was anything more that I should do to make the relationship right.
It was a complicated relationship. Friendship and business had intersected.
My antagonist refused to pay a debt he owed me. He believed I had harmed him, and his perceptions dictated his actions.
The matter was completed. I lost the money.
I thought I had forgiven him, and because I was the one who lost the money, I did not think an amend was needed. But whenever I saw him, I felt a snag of anxious irritation. I would see him across the room at political events, fundraising dinners or on the other side of the street. Though we never talked or even came close, seeing him triggered a negative feeling in my heart. The emotional soundtrack to the movie of our relationship played in my heart as soon as he came into view.
This went on for months. After talking with my sponsor, I called my antagonist. This was before call display, so he picked up. I announced my name, “Andy here.”
He angrily demanded, “What do you want?”
I replied, “Our business dealings are over.”
He interrupted and said in a loud voice, “Damn right they are over,” then proceeded to share his views on me, my mother and all that I held dear. He was loud, graphic and explicit. He finally ran out of steam and hung up. I assume with some violence.
My first thought was, “That was a waste of time.” But something happened which I cannot explain. It was magic.
Since that call, I have never seen him again. I still go to the same business and political events and walk the same streets, but he never crosses my visual path. And that was decades ago. I am at peace; when I play the movie of our relationship in my mind, there is no emotional soundtrack in my heart.
I did not rank that call as an amend, never mind a good amend. But the relationship was amended, made right. It seems that the right relationship between us is no relationship. And God delivered this result after that call. I have been at peace ever since. No more snags of the heart.
Today, I make the calls and take the actions, making amends to achieve that sense of peace and ease that comes with completed amends. And I know from this and other experiences that making the amend is mainly trying, and completing the amend is independent of the response or reaction of the other side.
I know an amend is complete when I can play the mental movie of the relationship in my mind and there is no emotional soundtrack in my heart.
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From Frank Amos and his report to John Rockefeller in 1938
Forgiveness: A Spiritual Virtue and Practical Tool
