I am posting a series of blogs on my favourite Program activity, Inventories. I love them and never tire of them. The benefits are clear and well worth the effort involved. And the more I do, the easier it gets.
Part 1: Spiritual Maintenance
Part 2: Moral versus Personal
Part 3: Writing the Name
Part 4: Special Names
Part 5: Just the facts, ma’am
Part 6: How were you affected?
Part 7: What was my role?
Part 8: The Confessional Conversation
In inventories, some names are special. Let me share this story with you showing how a special relationship can be named and powerfully investigated in an inventory.
Years ago, I was working with a fellow who was having trouble with his wife. Spousal relationships are special.
I suggested he do an inventory on the relationship. Not to take her inventory, but to study the relationship through an inventory process.
We agreed on the classic four-column method of inventory laid out in the Big Book. But, we added a twist.
Normally we list many names in Column #1, but this grudge list had only one name, Phyllis, his wife. But that one name represented many roles. Each role could be a different name. Here is the four-column list that we developed.
| Column #1 | Column #2 | Column #4 |
| Role | What happened? | How did it Affect Me? |
| Phyllis – lover | Things were fine here, no problems. | I feel fine. |
| Phyllis – business partner (they owned property together) | She was spending way too much money. This was the subject of many arguments. | Ouch, fear and anxiety about our future. |
| Phyllis – mother of the 3 children | She was good with the children. | I feel good about this aspect of our marriage. |
| Phyllis – social companion, how did he feel about walking into a party with her on his arm? | She often embarrassed me with her loud laugh and poor jokes. I often apologized for her behaviours over the years. | I feel shame and wish that I were somewhere else. |
| Phyllis – travel companion, did he enjoy spending holidays with her? | She was irritating and demanding when on holidays, always bitching. | I loathed going away with her, could not seem to do enough for her. |
| Phyllis – friend, was she a friend? | Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I answer this question differently. | I am not passing the driveway test. When I come home and see her car in the driveway my heart sinks. |
Each name/role was a different aspect of a very complex relationship. And each role yielded a different answer for Column #2, what happened? The lover part was great. But finance manager, as well as social and travel companion were both difficult aspects.
Moreover, the Column #3, “how did that affect him?”, yielded even more food for thought.
With this powerful tool, he could see what areas were working and which areas were not. And in each area he could see more clearly ‘his part’ in the problems.
The fun really began in Column #4, in each area he could also see more clearly ‘his part’ in the proper functioning aspects of the relationship. Sometimes it was his anger or fear. And it showed how preoccupied with himself he was. But it also showed that in some areas, he was not at fault for her behaviours, but where his fault manifested was in a sullen, passive acceptance of behaviours and actions that were not correct.
It is a powerful analytical tool that we can all use with complex and special relationships. Each role can be viewed as another name on the Column #1 list.
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