I like judging and condemning.
I must like judging and condemning; I do it all the time. I size up a situation and instantly condemn the person; itās an unconscious reaction. I am powerless over the habit, and it makes my life unmanageable. It is a defect. That is not healthy.
I asked my Higher Power to remove it. But that did not work. The habit did not go away. Then, I learned to turn that defect into an advantage. I used the energy of the defect like a judo master.
It started when I heard a share at an AA meeting, āIf someone irritates me, I try to give them more than they deserve.ā
āWell,ā I thought, āthat is worth considering.ā
It worked. The next day, over lunch, an acquaintance disagreed with me. Though he needed correction, I allowed him to keep his opinions. It was more than he deserved. And someone cut me off in traffic. I didnāt chase them down and beat them with a tire iron, which was what they deserved. Someone strolled across a crosswalk in front of my car, violating the āDonāt Walkā signal. I didnāt run them over; my restraint was more than they deserved.
When I judged and condemned someone, I would think, How can I give them more than they deserve?
In these and other situations, I granted them dispensation and allowed them to continue their impoverished lives. Unconsciously, I accepted I was in a position of authority and had a duty to judge. Then, consciously, I gave them more than they deserved.
I learned a new habit. When people make me angry, I give them more than they deserve. More of everything: time, consideration, politeness, and space for their opinions.
It felt like judo. In judo, you use your opponent’s attacking momentum to throw him over. You give your attacker more than he expected or wanted.
The unconscious habit did not go away; I was still judging and condemning, but I consciously gave them more than they deserved.
This habit grew into a generalized sense of loveāan impartial sense of goodwill. By giving people more than they deserved, I was dissolving the defect. Thank you, Higher Power.
DOUG A MCGILLIVRAY says
Andy
I find i have to disagree in part. I have some trepidation in saying so for fear of your need to “correct” me. The examples you cite of “more than they deserve” are frightening. While they may be tongue in cheek, they also may be lost on too many of your readers.
I have found that the most effective responses to discourteous conduct is not merely refraining from using a tire iron but to consciously approach these things with PTKL (patience, tolerance, kindness and love). it is in that manner I get to actually do what my higher power would want me to do.
Best regards Doug
Andy C says
These are phrases I have heard many times in meetings. There are many things that we say in AA meetings that are discordant. But many of our lives were discordant. But always appreciate your comments. For obvious reasons. Thanks.
Bonni Smith says
Thanks Andy,
I love āgive them more than they deserveā
It reminds me of something that I heard early on: ālet 3 people be wrong todayā.
Which like you pointed out here, acts of service.
Jessica C says
Thank you for this, Andy. I really like the spirit of this message. My self-righteousness, pride and entitlement really do begin to dissolve when I give someone who I resent “more than they deserve.” I do have to say that I agree with some of Doug’s feedback. If someone disagrees with me, or does something to inconvenience me, I’m not sure if their actions are borne out of an impoverished life. They could be totally unaware that their actions are causing harm, just like I can, at times, be unaware of how my actions are causing others harm. But maybe I’ve misunderstood the analogy – please keep me honest!
Thank you again for these “gems” of recovery wisdom!
Jessica C
Andy C says
I will have to be more careful in future blogs and not take poetic licence. I was exaggerating to make the point.
Thanks for your constructive comments
Kate says
I want a podcast on this one, please!
āMORE than they deserveā for people who anger us. The antidote to judgement and condemnation.
Andy C says
thanks Kate, that is probably a good idea