“Son Of a Bitch, Everything is Real!”
When we sober up and face life, then S.O.B.E.R. is an early realization that we experience.
My drinking allowed me to avoid reality. I could see myself as an important player on the stage of life. Creating in my own mind a childish constructed reality highlighting my own importance and grandeur.
When I did not win and succeed at something I would display petulant anger, dismissive disregard, and/or turn to drink. When I felt shame or a shortcoming, I would retreat and again turn to booze to ease the pain and avoid reality. This solution worked for me. It made me feel better.
With petulant anger, I could curse and swear on the tennis court or the boardroom, denigrating my opposition with childish grandiosity, blaming life, partners, staff, or the world for the wrongs done to me. Poor me. Or, with an equal intensity I could dismiss the event and the circumstance, and again with childish petulance, assert that it was not important after all, that it did not really matter at all. If that did not do the trick, I would drink. A good blow-out-the-pipes, knee-walking drunk.
Later, after I started coming to the meetings of AA and drinking was denied me, I found new relief with inappropriate websites, compulsive eating or exercise, or other acting out. All pursued with that childish grandiosity that an alcoholic demonstrates with ease.
By working the steps, the exact nature of these shortcomings and defects of character emerged. The booze has been taken away, and by going to meetings and working the steps I was beginning to develop some restraint and character. But that meant that I had to face setbacks, losses and changes in circumstances without emotional petulance or angry flatulence.
Son of a bitch, everything is real. Circumstances and me. I could not avoid reality with the old ways. I had to be real. And existence would not be denied.
This requires that I determine whether there is anything that can be changed, or alternatively is there something within me that has to change? It forces me to confront life and grow up. It compels me to mature and develop. Without the artificial props and stagecraft, I have to deal with the reality that is presented.
I discovered that, S.O.B.E.R.
chris l. says
thank you, andy. this is wonderful. i need to work on this here program in earnest effort and patience to become a better me so God can at least have use of this dumb SOB.