Based on my experience, forgiveness is a necessary part of Step 8. Step 8 is the precursor to Step 9. And we know from Dr. Bob’s story the importance of Step 9. So, forgiveness is important.
I have found that if I have made an effective amend, somewhere along the line, I have forgiven the person for whatever they did to me. Sometimes it is unconscious, becoming willing seems to include forgiveness in some situations. But more often it is a conscious part of my Step 8 process.
I have observed, in making amends, that if there is the slightest trace of bad feeling the amend is tainted and the effectiveness of the healing process is reduced.
I have to first forgive. Even if it seems inappropriate or unnecessary, for example, situations where I have caused more hurt than I received. Even if “they caused me 1 unit of harm, and I caused them 100 units of harm,” I start the amend process by first forgiving them the 1 unit of harm.
Let me share a personal story.
My wife has for years looked after all our paperwork and cash management. She deals with all the filing, reporting, management, and letter writing. She even gives me a quarterly report on our financial health. Everything is looked after.
Once in a blue moon, I have to sign something.
One morning, before I had finished my breakfast and while I was still reading the paper, she asked me to sign something. She ignored the fact that I had not finished my coffee and was still reading the paper. I did not say anything, nobly restraining my tongue. But I showed my irritation with an obvious display of dramatic sighs.
I signed the document.
Wow, talk about asymmetrical harm. She interrupted my breakfast so that she could complete a task for my benefit, and I displayed childish petulance.
Shortly after this petulant display, in my morning prayer and meditation, I realized that I had to make an amend.
The intuitive thought occurred, “first, I have to forgive her for interrupting me.”
Then the rational thought occurred, “that is inappropriate, she was not in the wrong, I was.”
The intuitive thought prevailed over the rational, and I said prayerfully, “I forgive her for interrupting me and ask for a blessing upon her, I am released from the matter and free, I cast the burden of this offence upon God.” I forgave her the offence of interrupting me to get me to sign something that benefited me.
Walking to her, I said, “I am deeply sorry that I snapped at you this morning. I hope that you can forgive me and accept this sincere apology.”
It might have been my tone of voice, my attitude, posture, or more likely, her loving and kind nature, but she replied, “I was wrong to bother you, I know how much your quiet means in the morning, I was the inconsiderate one, I hope that you can forgive me.”
Not only was the amend more effective, but she was also apologizing to me. Boy does this program work!
Related posts
Forgiveness: A Spiritual Virtue and Practical Tool
Forgiving Isn’t the End: Continuous Blessings
