I was talking with a sponsee one day. We were talking about resentments—feelings of bitter indignation over perceived harm or damage.
We were standing on the sidewalk in a pleasant neighbourhood. Near a well-groomed yard with a big hedge.
Turning to the hedge, I said, “my resentments were like a huge caragana hedge growing in my yard, separating me from the people on the sidewalk.”
Caragana hedges are notorious in the west. Tall, dense and tangled, they are used as windbreaks for farmhouses. They establish quickly and grow like a weed. Deep-rooted, they are impossible to kill.
I continued, “there was my resentment hedge, blocking out everyone outside my yard. Out of control, tangled growth kept me apart from all the people in my life. Finally, I got tired of looking at the shapeless mass from my front porch and bought some hedge clippers. I trimmed the inside of the hedge, facing the house, and shaped the top of the hedge, at about 8 feet.”
“I was pleased; my hedge looked tidy from my porch. But from the street, not so much. It was overgrowing the sidewalk and looked tangled and messy as far as the outside world was concerned.”
“Time passed, and after enough complaints, I trimmed the outside of the hedge. Now it looked good from both sides.”
“But it was still an obstruction between my neighbours and me and the rest of the world.”
“More time passed, I decided I wanted to see the world and its people from my front porch. Out came the clippers, and I shortened the hedge. That was better; I could wave to the passing traffic. And shorter and shorter was better and better. I cut it right down to the ground. But caragana is resilient. It grew back stronger than ever.”
“After several hard prunes, cutting the hedge to the ground and having it grow back, I rented a bobcat and dug the deep roots out. The hedge was gone, never to come back. I could engage with the world face to face.”
“In my heart, I had a hedge of resentments. Large and tangled, they kept me from a proper relationship with the world. I trimmed them on my side, so they looked good to me. Then did the other side, so they looked good to the world as well. But the separation was still there; finally, I cut my resentments to the ground. But they came back, again and again. Eventually, I dug them out, root and branch, as the expression goes.”
“With each step in the maintenance of the hedge, progress was made. And in the final result, clear and open engagement with the world was achieved.”
Note: you may recall that I wrote an earlier blog on this point. I find it interesting to compare them and see how my attitudes have changed over the years.
Related posts
Forgiving and Forgetting
Forgiveness is Layered
Doug emailed me:
“Interesting analogy and analysis.
Riffing it…what about appropriate boundaries. A lower groomed hedge allow me to interact with the world and the world with me but at the same time provides a boundary so that the world cannot invade my space nor can I invade the space of others in the world.
Just musing”
I replied to him, “good thought, there is merit to your comment. I caused me to step back and consider the issue of boundaries. I guess being a lawyer, the title boundary of my land at the sidewalk was the boundary I was left with. That was sufficient for me. And anyone on the sidewalk who needed me to get right to me.
Just thinking”
Andy C