My experience with forgiving suggests it is a layered process.
I have had many experiences with many resentments that eventually required forgiveness. With these resentments, I have had much practice forgiving and learned that it was not a one-and-done thing; there were spiritual layers, one atop the other.
The first layer is acceptance. It feels better to accept that someone is difficult. Acceptance feels like forgiving. It eases resentments. I felt I was forgiving by accepting the person. I felt God had granted me serenity for things I could not change.
Proud of this acceptance, I told myself I had achieved a higher level of virtue by accepting the difficult person for what they were. But pride preceded a fall, followed by another layer of forgiveness. Because the resentments with the people I had accepted returned. When resentments returned, I learned that acceptance is not forgiveness; it is only part of the process of forgiveness, and I came to see a second layer.
The second layer of forgiveness was explanation. I would find or make up explanations of why he or she was challenging. Perhaps they had a troubled childhood or another story that explained their bad character today.
Finding a rational explanation for a person’s behaviours felt like a deeper level of forgiveness. It seemed better. And I found it easier to be polite. I felt ashamed of my earlier pride in acceptance, believing that with an explanation, I had reached a higher level of forgiveness that was more understanding of the person and their foibles.
But this second level of pride preceded another fall; the resentments reappeared. It sometimes took time, but the irritations would mount, and there it is, a full-blown resentment. Any pride I felt in my ability to forgive by explanation was gone.
I discovered the third layer.
The third layer is true forgiveness. This layer may accept the good and bad and may accept and explain the behaviours, but it is more. It is a feeling that transcends acceptance and explanations.
At this level, I feel compassion. It is unconditional love, an impartial sense of goodwill, which Emmet Fox defines as love. It does not require acceptance or explanation. It is an immediate regard with detachment and love.
In my experience, forgiveness is layered, and each level is good in its way. But the third and final is a blessing.
I sometimes reach the final state of forgiveness by first accepting. Sometimes I start by explaining. And I have moments when I go straight to true forgiving. However I reach it, the third and final stage is the spiritual apex, which is love.
Forgiveness Series
Forgiveness: A Spiritual Virtue and Practical Tool
Forgiveness and Step 8
Have Forgiveness at Your Fingertips
Forgiving and Amplification
Forgiveness is Layered
Forgiveness is a Habit
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Forgiveness: A Spiritual Virtue and Practical Tool
Forgiving Isn’t the End: Continuous Blessings
Interesting analysis.
I found for me forgiveness comes quickly and permanently when I focus not so much on what the other did but why it is affecting so much. When I can see my role, I have found that I can create a lasting solution.
That is just my thinking and experience. Others may find success differently
There is some truth in this, though it would not help a person striving to forgive a perverted uncle or aunt for molestation decades ago.
And also, together with this truth, is the fact of conscious awareness of the harm. This must be dealt with eventually. EVen when I see my role, I find that I process through the layers.
But thanks for the comments, caused me to think, which is sometimes good.
Future blogs will touch on the hoary problem of child abuse, but spoiler alert, forgiving is still good.