One of the hallmarks of a life run on self-will is fear.
Quoted from a Joe and Charlie tape.
When I am running on self-will, I am entirely reliant on myself with no external power to help me. When I am running in this way, I am frequently in a state of fear.
Being wholly independent and self-possessed, I am alone in the universe. Unconsciously, I realize this, and two things result: I become afraid faster and the fear is more profound than usual.
Fear comes upon me faster and easier. For example, I am not only afraid of actual failure; the possibility of failure is enough. Relying on my resources and dependent on what I know to be my frail self, I am made afraid with the anticipation, long before the fact.
Then when something goes wrong or works out differently from my expectations, the frustration of my expectations is not a mere problem; it is a threat. And not an ordinary everyday threat, but a threat to the core of my being. I have willed something to be so, and it is not working out that way. Therefore, it is not just a problem; my judgement and willpower are being denied, that creates anxiety and fear. I am under attack, and it is personal.
Failure becomes an existential event. Instead of a day-to-day, routine problem, a failure is life-threatening.
Because of the combination of higher sensitivity and the core nature of the fear, I more quickly lash out in anger. But anger is not the problem. The exact nature, the key to the problem, is self-will. Utter dependence upon myself. That is the cause; fear, anger, and lashing out are the symptoms.
So if you are living in fear, there is a good chance that you are, regardless of what you are saying to your sponsor, dependent upon yourself.
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I started and stopped reading this 5 times cause i “wasn’t getting it”.
Finally, i went thru this morning. Thank you for clearly getting those thoughts out. I go thru this process every damn day. Likewise every damn day i am willing to learn and surrender to my Higher Power. Better that than drinking ANY day. Thank you fpr your gift.
Wow. This is so powerfully true for me right now. Thank you Andy