I am posting a series of blogs on my favourite Program activity, Inventories. I love them and never tire of them. The benefits are clear and well worth the effort involved. And the more I do, the easier it gets.
Part 1: Spiritual Maintenance
Part 2: Moral versus Personal
Part 3: Writing the Name
Part 4: Special Names
Part 5: Just the facts, ma’am
Part 6: How were you affected?
Part 7: What was my role?
Part 8: The Confessional Conversation
The first part of the process is writing a grudge list, so-called by Bill Wilson in the Big Book.
As mentioned in the earlier notes, in working on the grudge list, I write the names, nothing more. I don’t ask why a name comes to mind; I just write it down. It is sufficient that the name comes to mind. As I sit with pen and paper, I let my mind flow in a stream of consciousness. I let the names tumble out, I know I will get to the ‘why’ of the name on my grudge list later; for now, I just let the names flow in a brain dump. Write a couple of names and get the juices started, then let it roll. I don’t spend hours and hours, just a few minutes a day. Once I start, it flows out. Find a system that works for you and start it.
This simple act of writing the name is the beginning of the curative process.
Writing the name on a piece of paper or entering it in a spread sheet— that simple act objectifies the relationship. It is outside of my head and on the paper. And in so doing, changes my perception of the relationship. I have written the name. I have admitted to myself that the name is on my mind and needs some attention.
Early on, I learned that I could not BS the paper. Paper and pen (or a spreadsheet and keyboard) are magic tools. With the ink deposited on the paper, I could not deny the problem anymore. It was there to see, on the paper.
There is something about seeing the name and acknowledging that the name has been on my mind that creates a new perspective and attitude.
When the name is just echoing around in my mind, emotions like envy, fear, hate, etc. are generated and amplified. But when the name is written down and I see it, it is outside of myself. The emotional reactions from the echo effect are reduced. My thinking tends to a more objective view of the person, principle or institution.
I could say that it ‘objectifies’ the person, principle or institution, and that would be a great truth. But it would not be the complete truth.
This is my experience: It may seem counter-intuitive, but together with an increased objectivity, a greater sense of empathy seems to be induced.
By seeing the name on the paper, the emotions that I felt when the name was echoing around in my head are muted. This quieting of my thoughts and emotions allows more space in my head. This leaves room for my perceptions to be enlarged. My thoughts expand with a capacity to see what the named person or institution might see and feel; what the principle might mean.
A greater sense of empathy emerges in this expanded space.
This double impact is wonderful and begins the process of resolving the issues surrounding the name and the person, principle or institution.
The healing begins by just writing the name.
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